To cap off another season, the boys head to Mark’s home town of Maple Ridge, British Columbia for their grandiose finale. Sandwiched between the sparkling Fraser River and the majestic Golden Ears Mountains, Maple Ridge is a cozy town that harbours two types of people – Mark Lovers and Mark Haters! In a battle for the ages, it’s Calum and the Haters mucking it up with Mark and the Lovers. And whoever comes out on top will be fortunate enough not to live through the onslaught of the ‘The UNSPEAKABLE PUNISHMENT!’


3 Stars of the Game

  • 1st Star – Desmond O’Brien (Mark Lovers)
  • 2nd Star – Ryan Stevens (Mark Lovers)
  • 3rd Star – Lewis Bennett (Mark Haters)


Desmond O’Brien

  • Has loved Mark since Grade 8
  • Never played organized hockey
  • Gets naked at every party

Jonathan Zemliak

  • In the bug screen business
  • Played hockey in Germany
  • Once caught Mark stealing his bike


Ryan Stevens

  • Offensive menace
  • Used to go trick-or-treating with Mark
  • Dated two strippers at once

Jeff O’Brien

  • Nickname: Jeffinitely
  • Canadian college basketball champion
  • Like Pavel Bure, but taller, meaner and less Russian


Andrew Parsons

  • Favorite player: Al Lafrate
  • Once peed in a vacuum cleaner
  • Loves passing out on Mark’s couch

Lewis Bennett

  • Born in the Shire
  • Sweats three litres per game
  • Models his play and appearance after Ryan Smyth


Jeff Fernquist – Goalie

  • Western Ball Hockey League “A” Division Champ
  • Been to Nationals three times
  • Will learn to love Mark

Kevin Lohnes – Goalie

  • Trained chef
  • Won a community ball hockey tournament silver medal
  • Dabbles in magic and juggling


Only now may we speak of the intolerable pain and embarrassment brought on by the wrath of the Unspeakable Punishment. After suffering defeat in the final game of the season, Calum is subjected to the Unspeakable Punishment. The first step has Calum on the losing end of a vomit storm as four grown men empty the contents of their stomachs onto him. Calum is then strapped onto a hard wooden toboggan device and pushed down a hill launching off a jump. Cold, embarrassed, and beaten, Calum gets up only to find Mark ready to administer the final portion of the punishment: mace to eyes!!

“It was actually very cold up there. I almost wanted them to puke more just to warm me up. The hill didn’t work at all. I was supposed to be going about 3 times as fast but it snowed while we were setting up. Oh well, I guess it was my lucky day. As for the macing… THAT SUCKED BALLS! My skin did not react very well to it at all. I had to stand with my head in a cold shower for an hour before it stopped feeling like my face was on fire!” – Callum

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